The Forgiveness Factor

Forgiveness seems to be one of those topics that brings with it a lot of debate.  What does it really mean to forgive?  Why should I forgive someone who hurt me?  What if it doesn’t work?

There are so many questions tied into this idea of forgiveness.  And so many myths. 

But the truth is that most, if not all of us, need to allow ourselves to truly understand the topic of forgiveness, because at some point in our lives, if we want to lead the most fulfilling lives we can, we will need to embrace the forgiveness factor.

What is forgiveness even about?

We will all experience pain, loss, and disappointment in this life.  Not because the world is out to get us, but because we are all human, imperfect and vulnerable. 

Our humanity is our greatest gift, but also the very reason why we will forever make mistakes, fail, choose incorrectly, and sometimes, hurt others, even if unintentionally.  We are not designed to be perfect and free from error. Rather, we are flawed, both beautifully and painfully, sometimes in the same breath.

And vulnerability, while it can be what bridges us closer than we imagined to the people and ideas we love, can also leave us open to disappointment, loss, and broken hearts.

So, having said that, we know as human beings that we will all fall short at some point and that we will all feel the pain of another’s mistakes and our own. Therefore, it seems undeniable that we must learn to understand the need for, and the meaning behind forgiveness.

First off, let’s debunk one of the big myths.

Forgiveness isn’t a decision you simply make and then move on.  It is absolutely a practice…and ongoing journey and continuing act of choosing to let go of the hurt that you have been holding, in favor of creating room in your heart. It isn’t a quick fix or a magical moment, where you decide to forgive, and all the hurt goes away. (This may be one of the toughest reasons for some to work on forgiveness, because it is very much a work in progress).

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” -Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

We can only wish the decision, alone, was enough to heal hurting hearts.

But forgiveness begins with a decision.  So many of us have been hurt by someone in our lives. Someone or something let us down. It can leave us feeling alone, unimportant, and mostly, untrusting.  We learn, through our survival instincts, to stay away from things that are dangerous, and that is inherent within us. 

But, the problem with that, is it can leave us unwilling to open our hearts to the people, to the possibilities, and to the opportunity to see that while there can be pain, there can also be incredible joy.  While some people will let us down, and leave us feeling scared, others will become the very definition of comfort, support, and unwavering loyalty in standing beside us, to be that person we know we can count on.

So, forgiveness, not a one step process, is an ongoing act and a decision to practice, in order to let ourselves not only heal from pain, but grow in love.

Why forgive somebody?

When we consider why would forgive another, we face another of the biggest myths related to forgiveness. There is this idea that we forgive someone who hurt us, in order to give them that gift.  The idea that we forgive to let others off the hook, lighten their load, or let them be free is so misleading. No. It’s simply not the truth. That isn’t really what forgiveness is about or how it works.   

Forgiveness is never actually not about the other person. When someone chooses to forgive, and takes on the decision to work on practicing forgiveness, it is in fact, ultimately a gift.  And yes, quite often, the other person may feel it as a gift you have given them, because you have let them out of the cage they were put into in when they hurt you…but fundamentally, when you choose to forgive, first and foremost, the gift is actually for YOU. 

We, as human beings, have this inherent and unending desire to be accepted by others, to feel a part of something bigger than ourselves, and to feel connected.  It is one of our most basic human needs.

But when we hold on to hurt, and when we deny ourselves the opportunity to forgive, we become more disconnected, and we take up space in our hearts for pain,  when that room could open us up to so much more.

This is not to ever say we don’t have the right to feel anger, feel disappointment, or harbor negative feelings toward another.  Your emotions are the most accurate thermometer that exists, telling you exactly what is going on within you, and helping you understand your needs.

But holding on to pain within us, cages that suffering inside us, eating away like a poison.  When we hold onto pain, it has nowhere else to go, and finds comfort, shelter and permanence in having a home. 

Forgiveness is the antidote to the poison, and the key to unlock the cage.  It is the medicine that releases us from the toxicity our hurt and anger can bring.  And when we can decide we are deserving of that gift, we can learn to let go, and begin to choose freedom and possibility over suffering and stagnation, and we can begin to heal.

“If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive”. -Mother Teresa

Recognize there is so much power in forgiveness. The power is one we give to ourselves.  We empower ourselves when we decide and practice forgiveness.

We don’t choose to forgive someone merely to let them off the hook for hurting us.  And we don’t have to forgive because someone else thinks it’s the thing we “should” do. 

If, and when, we choose forgiveness, we do so, because fundamentally, we are empowering ourselves with this gift when we know, in our core, we deserve better. We forgive because we deserve more.  We deserve the chance to take that burden off of ourselves, and let our hearts release the pain, we didn’t deserve to begin with.

What if I can’t forgive myself?

Maybe you think you aren’t capable of forgiveness, because you are the one who hurt yourself?  All of us have made mistakes in life, and there are times, it feels like your mistakes carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

But it is not the weight of the mistakes that is most important, but the freedom within forgiveness that counts. 

What would you be capable of if you weren’t holding on to the belief that you should be punished?  How could your life be different if you just let yourself off the hook for being human?  How much more joy, love, and opportunities would you have to live your best life, if you only allowed yourself the gift of forgiveness?  What would you do with the possibility that you will learn from the mistake and give yourself the second (or third or fiftieth) chance that you deserve?

The same concept applies here, as it does to others.  Forgiveness is a practice.  It starts with a decision; a choice you make for yourself, because you know you deserve better. 

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” -Robert Muller

You, along with the rest of the world, are imperfect.  You make mistakes, but you also pick yourself up after falling, dust your shoulders off, and decide to try again.  You try to be better, choose wiser, love bigger, and live fuller. YOU DESERVE FORGIVENESS.

If you are a parent, a spouse, a son or daughter, or a friend…odds are someone has hurt you, or you have hurt someone you love.  How do you talk to those you love most when they are hurting? 

Most likely, hopefully, you respond with love and compassion.  You remind those you care most about, that simply because they made mistakes, doesn’t diminish their value.  You remind them of their worth, their brilliance, and all they are capable of.  You help them understand the need to forgive themselves and keep working to be better than the day before.

So, give yourself that kindness and compassion.  Remind yourself that we will all fall short, we will all fail at some point, but it isn’t our failures that define us.  It’s our willingness to own our humanity, our vulnerability, and our imperfections, and continue rising up and trying again that truly defines us. 

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness, and grow from it.   Because you, beautiful, imperfect being…you deserve it.

Why is this forgiveness thing so hard?

Forgiveness is a simple concept, but a difficult practice. 

It takes a willingness to acknowledge that you have been hurt.  It takes an honest understanding, that opening yourself up to possibilities means you could be hurt again.  And it takes strength, to realize, you choose to practice forgiveness every day, because you deserve to live the best life possible.

It is by no means easy.  Maybe that is why some people choose to stay hardened and resistant to forgiving.  It is the safer, albeit more painful place to stay.  It keeps distance between you and disappointment or hurt.  But it keeps everything else at bay too.  It keeps you from joy, from hope, and maybe most importantly, from healing.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” -Mahatma Gandhi

It is hard to forgive, because we are wired for survival.  We are taught to be strong and stay aware from danger. 

But the reality, is that the most courageous act anyone can endure, is letting go of pain, in the hope that it will get better, and the promise that there are possibilities of redemption, and the belief, that we all deserve to open our hearts to all the freedom and joy they can hold.

So, let the healing and hope begin!

We are all on this journey of life together.  Sometimes we have incredible strides forward, accomplishing more than we ever thought possible and bridging gaps once thought impossible. 

But we, as humans, will falter, fall short, and sometimes fail ourselves or one another.  But it doesn’t have to limit how far we continue to go.  Unless we let it.

So, if you choose forgiveness…remember that you are choosing to gift yourself. You are empowering yourself to let go, honor your humanity, and remember what you deserve.

You are choosing the courageous path of practicing something good for your body, your mind, and your soul.  And maybe there will be times it feels like the road less traveled, but rest assured, it can lead you to the place where you embrace all that life has to offer you, because you chose to free yourself.

Love and light to all!